Wow

Apr 29, 2008
Wow
Current mood:surprised

I didn't really know what to title this blog. My grandma called me tonight. My grandma as in my biological dad's mom!!! I haven't heard from her in....well it has to be 8 years, since I met them in Cali in 2000. It was quite....the emotional swirl before I called her back.

Just today I was at work, and I was thinking exactly this thought: I'm doing well. I made it through (or still working at it) Jon's death...and I survived it and I'm doing well. But if I lost someone else right now, I truly don't think I could handle it. That took such a physical/emotional toll on me that I think...I just couldn't do it again. I'm a very positive person. I'm a very strong person, and I've only gotten stronger...but I seriously think if I lost someone else right now...I think I would go crazy, honestly...I think that I would just shut down completely - it's going to take years to be ready for something like this (though you're never ready) again.

So when I got her voicemail, I immediately paniced. I thought "this is it, she's going to tell me that my biological dad died". I know that's horribly negative...but that was honestly my first thought. So I dried my eyes, grabbed a cigarette, went outside and called her. Everything was fine. She did lose her husband last summer, and honestly I was happy to hear she had him that long. He wasn't doing so well when I saw him 8 years ago. She's been trying desperately to find me. :(

I haven't given my biological dad my phone number. I don't know if I can. Maybe someday. For some of you, very few...you know what an ongoing struggle this has been in my life. My poor grandmother, she's been searching the entire internet for me. She even has tried calling my work (how she got that number I have no idea) but she always called after business hours I guess. Finally she somehow got ahold of my mom (who also has a newer phone number) and found out how to reach me.

I'm so glad she called. Even after the years of silence between her son and I....she called me often growing up. I felt bad about not contacting her for so long the last several years, but with all that had been going on - on that side of the family, and in my own life...I just didn't know how. I'm so glad she called. she's just so sweet. The happiness in her voice when she heard my voice...was a gift in itself. She is living in a VERY small town in Utah now. I'd like to go visit her. I think I need to. I need to. This is one of those things that I know - I KNOW I have to do it, she's getting older...must be in her 90s by now?! Or at least very late 80s.

A part of me is truly sorry that I haven't contacted her. However I did try to send a card...but it was the wrong address. But...a bigger part of me is happy that we talked, and I hope I can see her sometime soon. Maybe this was my wakeup call.

Wakeup call...hmmmm...I've been saying that a lot with my wild ways the last few months, thinking "this must be my wakeup call to straighten up" - and then I land right back in the same boat....but maybe this is really it. I need to save up, get my feet back firmly on the ground...and go see her. This has to happen. Anyone want to come to Utah with me? :) Not soon....but hopefully....hopefully soon enough.