Jon III

Mar 2, 2007
Jon III

Well it's been a while. It's February 6th. It was a month last Saturday. Unbelievable. Sometimes I feel like it's been forever. Sometimes it's still like it was yesterday. The scariest and yet most comforting part of this, is finding those people who really understand what the process is. It's comforting because 98% of the people out there wait for you to be "over" it and those 2% have been there. It's scary because I wonder how it will get better. I feel like I've lost myself…not completely, but I'm not the same. The 2 people I am referring to have both said that it changes you forever, and that they "miss themselves" – and that's exactly what it's like. I look at old pictures – not even old pictures, just from a couple months ago and I see a completely different person. I loved who I was, and I still am me…I don't know how to explain it though – there's just a spark that's missing. I can see it just by looking in the mirror. I still look like me, but I feel like every time I look at myself my eyes no longer look the same. It scares me. It's the first time I've ever really felt lost. Like I don't know what kind of life I will lead now, who I will be. I'm still me…but not as much. I have so many memories and signs I want to write about Jon. First let me say that he is really making me believe. Jon loved his Digiorno's Spicy Chicken Pizza. Well a few weeks ago, my friend Mandi (whom Jon knew) came over and watched a movie. We cooked his pizza, the pizza he'd never share (much) with me. When we went to take it out of the oven, it was broken in half – that was weird. So we each grabbed a plastic spatula cause I couldn't find the metal one, and Mandi's spatula broke…then mine broke. It was hilarious – like he didn't want us to eat it. Then the next night my friend Jamie came over. I talked to Jon about Jamie a lot. I was so thankful to have met her, and I always said just…what a truly genuine person she was. Jon liked her just as much. Anyway she came over and we were drinking wine. As I was screwing in the corkscrew I remembered about the time Jon was gone and I broke his corkscrew. About a second later, my corkscrew broke. Jamie as my witness on that one. There have been a couple other times as well. My first night back "in public" was bowling 2 weeks ago. It was a Monday and it was a very hard one. From the moment I woke up, and couldn't find my shoes, and struggling though work, all I wanted to do was cry. I felt like I had jumped all the back to the first day. I stepped inside the bar to smoke (I had quit, and this has broken me…but I will quit again…and soon – like he'd want me to). I was just a wreck and I happen to look up at a pinball machine or something and it was flashing "JON JON JON JON". I felt relieved. Another night I took Budha on a late night walk and was thinking about how I never would have went walking this late at night. Especially since I'm in a new neighborhood…but there I was…without fear. So I thought – 'I wonder if something were to happen, if Jon would protect me' – and just then a motion light came on right where I was stepping. Yes – it's very possible that it was coincidence…but I liked it. Another day, shortly after I was walking her and it was very icy on the sidewalk. I am terrible on the ice. I fall down and literally keep falling down. I must have slipped 4 or 5 times…and it wasn't like I stumbled around and disgracefully held myself upright, it was like someone had my arm. The first couple weeks of this was just hell. Every day when that alarm would go off, I'd get thrown into this nightmare all over again. Ever since I put his bed in my room, I wake up at least 15 minutes before my alarm. I can roll over, and smell his shirt, and just be with him for a few minutes and ease myself into another day forward. Jon always used to say that you had 87 problems every day, and people didn't even realize it. Even little things like a broken shoelace, or being stuck at a red light for a long time. Just something he used to say. Novembers used to be tough months for me. Change of seasons, personal issues, etc. At the end of 2005 I had been holding it in for a while. I was at Jon's and I was sitting on the couch and he said "you've been angry for a long while". I couldn't even tell what I was mad at anymore – I had repressed so much in that couple months. Jon bugged and bugged me and pissed me off even more because I didn't want to talk. Finally he kneeled on the floor in front of me and said "hit me – go ahead just hit me" and I said "Jon, I'm not mad at you, at all – this has nothing to do with you" and he said "well your pissed off at someone and you need to get it out" After bantering back and forth about how I did not want to hit him, he grabbed MY hand and hit HIMSELF in the face. It was one of the weirdest moments I've ever had. But he helped me. He helped me by making me angry. He just knew. He always knew. I think Jon understood me more than anyone. I mean – he didn't always know what I was mad about, or sad about, or stressed about, or even happy about – but he could read people. And I let him.

Just before Christmas I really wanted some Bleu Cheese Salad Dressing, but I didn't want to go to the grocery store just for it. Jon was going to Cub the next day so I asked him if he'd get me a jar. I said "T Marzetti's – NOT Marie's – T Marzetti's; should I write it down?" and he gave me the look and said "Don't write it down". So I called him from work the next day and said "Did you go to the store?" "Yep" he says. "Did you get dressing?" "Yep, Marie's right?" That was one of those married couple moments. When I hung up, I told my co-worker (just like a nagging wife) "I told him I'd write it down but he was all 'no no I'll remember'" She always would say "why don't you just marry him already, you're practically there". Jon had great hair. It looked so great when it was short, but when it was longer, it was so silky smooth I could play with it for hours. When his hair was unwashed or just messy I called it his "Christopher Walken" hair – it would just look ridiculous.

I found a poem I had written on his birthday one year. Must have been in 2004. Jon and Eric got back from Cancun the day of his birthday, and he had a brand new hair cut. Anyway I left little presents all over the house with a post it not and a rhyme. The presents on the stairs were wine. On the first bottle it said "Here's a birthday bottle of wine for you" – then further up the stairs was a ½ bottle that said "There used to be 3 but now there's 2 (okay 1 ½ )" He cracked up. I cracked up. Of course I cracked up – I had just drank a bottle and a half of his birthday presents. There are so many little things that I will always remember. Jon loved Papa Murphy's Chicken Garlic Pizza – made me love them too. He used to cut really big pieces. One day I was there and he had this pizza cut into about 30 pieces. He said if he cut them into smaller pieces he wouldn't eat as many. It worked. For both of us! Jon was always really warm blooded. He loved the winter because his body kept him warm. He used to scream at me (in a humorous way) when I curl up with my ice cold legs against his. He was so warm and I was so cold, we balanced.

He was very against drunk driving. VERY – he would never drive to a bar. If he wasn't taking a bus, cab, or had a ride – he didn't go. One time (no lectures please, I've learned) I came home just hammered. I wasn't living at Jon's at this time. The next morning when I realized I had no idea how I got home, let alone anything else…I looked at my phone and saw that I had called Jon. Total black out. Didn't even "come back to me" – no recollection at all. So I look at the call time hoping it says like .14 and maybe I got his answering machine. Nope. It said 3.21. Three minutes. So what could I have said in 3 minutes? He knows I drove – I kept thinking. So after work I waited at his house and he, himself had just come back from watching the game with Whammy at Quinlan's. He smiled and I looked like a puppy who just got caught in the garbage. I said "I'm really really sorry – I know I shouldn't have driven, I learned my lesson, it was stupid – and I understand if you're mad at me". He said "as long as you learned". I thought it was over. About 10 minutes later in conversation he gets completely confused and says "wait a minute – where was your car this morning?" I said "at my house" and he said "how did it get there?" I said "I drove it". By this point I am completely confused. Didn't we just say that he knew about it and that I learned my lesson? All of the sudden he starts screaming at me "You were shitty! You drove? You were absolutely inebriated!" And I'm just thrown going "YOU ALREADY KNEW THIS! – we just had this discussion". I even said "You're drunk! What the hell are you talking about?!" Then he says "Do you even know what you said to me on the phone?" I said "no…" And it goes downhill. He says "You said…'I'm really really drunk. I just left Grandma's and I pulled over. Katie has to come and get me cause I can't drive". I straight up lied to him. Didn't even know I did it. Never lied to him before, never after. So apparently in my drunken stupor, I KNEW that he was going to be upset with me….so I lied I guess…and to this day I don't remember doing it. I laugh about it now, because it's funny – I'm telling him "You're drunk" when I'm the one who didn't remember what even got me into trouble. I learned though. I never wanted to see him that upset with me again. From that moment on, anytime I went out and had to cab it home, Jon always got up to bring me to my car. He was ruthless about it though. Sometimes he'd call while I was still sleeping and say "if you want your car, you better be ready to go in 5 minutes". I hated that. But I appreciated it. The last time he brought me to my car was December 16th. It was the day after my work Christmas party, which ALWAYS turns into a doosey…PLUS I had to work for a few hours in the morning. So Jon calls me and says "be ready in 5 minutes or your chance is up" So I get in his truck and I looked at him and said "I'll buy you something if –" and he goes "if I take you Perkins to pick up your hangover breakfast"…it was classic. If Jon knew I was going out, he'd call by around noon the next day if he hadn't heard from me. Just checkin' in.

You know, I didn't spend holidays with Jon usually but there was one time when we had our very own Thanksgiving…and it was wonderful. He got up really early and started making a turkey, and I made salads, and cheesecake (of course). And it was nice. It was the only time we ever sat at the table to eat. I spent every New Year's Eve with Jon (or at least a part of it)…except this year. I hate that. Last year we went to Olive Garden and I remember he ordered the Raviolis. He loved ravioli. I know he had a cold and didn't want to do anything, I know I was in my own house, and was decorating…but I hate that I didn't get that last "happy new year" with him. I heard a really dirty joke on the radio about 2 weeks ago – it was on Satellite Radio and I was about to get into the car wash. When I heard it, my jaw dropped and I laughed and thought "Jon would have been hysterical over this joke" – then the comedian says "I hope someone out there is driving and when they heard that, they hit a f&%#ing tree" – Again – I knew he would have just cracked up.

It's Valentine's Day. I thought it would be harder than it turned out to be. I told my boss that I would be taking this afternoon off most likely. I did. The morning actually started out pretty well but I didn't want to see…the love I guess. I came back from putting my diet coke in the break room and saw that there were beautiful flowers on my desk. My coworker left a very nice card with it about how she new I'd be feeling a void today and that she'd be my Valentine. Jon and I never did anything special for Valentine's Day. A few times – even last year and should have been today, he'd leave for Cancun on Valentine's Day. If he was home, we'd just get a heart shaped Papa Murphy's pizza. Never committed to the stupid holiday. Eric left for Cancun today. I feel for him. He's going to hurt, but he'll be with his parents…and I think that will really help him. I think of his family every day and hope they are doing as best as they can. People always say they hope you're doing "okay" or "better"…but it's like those words/feelings have changed. I don't know how else to explain it.

A couple years ago Jon and I were sitting at his house and he said "I want you to know something. I won't live to be 40" I told him to stop it. Sometimes he'd get going on these conversations that were just out of this world…and he'd be so serious about them, like aliens, or a change in the earth rotation or witches, whathaveyou. But this conversation only happened once. He said he had a short lifeline. He asked me if I would take Budha and of course I said yes, but I knew he was full of it. This could have been one of those "I'm Jon and I'm going to tell you things you don't want to hear" conversations, or maybe he really knew. I remember when he said it I said "you're already 36" and he said "I know". He also said it would just be his time. I didn't remember this until the weekend before last I went to the bar with my friend and her mother. Her mom had lost her brother unexpectedly 12 years ago and was giving me a lot of insight on what to expect, how it changes you, and how to know when he's near me. When I remembered the conversation I felt so upset with myself. For about a week all I could think was "he told me…and I didn't take him seriously". I would think about how I should have made him go to the doctor. But now I know that he wouldn't have gone anyway. I notice all sorts of little things now and I still battle guilt sometimes about how maybe I should have seen more…but I think this is what Jon would have wanted…not what he would have wanted…I guess more the way he would have wanted it to be. No machines, no suffering, no fighting to breathe. Peaceful. I was telling Eric, and I keep telling myself also….that maybe the whole time Jon was preparing us….not for the grief but for the getting better part. I think about his last week – and I just can't imagine that he knew it was coming that quickly. I'm refusing to believe he knew it would be that soon…maybe because I…he was just so alive. The last time I saw him he was feeling better, and looked great…he was doing his thing in front of the oven where he opened the oven door and pulled his shirt over it so the warmth would get in there, and said "Ahhhhh". Anyway on New Year's Eve….I stayed at home and I had to unhook my computer because of a problem where it was plugged in. I needed to check my email to find out if a potential roommate was still coming to look at the house the next day. I called Jon to see if he would check my email for me. He said "I'm really sorry, I can't" I remember saying "are you serious?" And he said "yeah, I can't – sorry" The Monday preceding his last day I was at his house and asked if I could borrow his drill. He said "you can have it" I asked him why and he said he broke the bit for it and was going to get a new cordless one. I knew that it was true that he broke the bit because I saw it. I think he may have broke it when he hung the frame collage I gave him for Christmas. Then he gave me (from him and his family) a picture that he had for a while. It's like a needlepoint picture and says "peaceful harbor" on it in a nice frame. He told me where the scene was from, but I forgot. That bothers me. When I was getting ready to leave, I had my hands full and asked him if he'd get the door for me. He sat in his chair and said "you can get it". I wasn't mad, but I frustrated that he wouldn't do simple favors for me anymore. Still I feel like it wasn't because he knew this would happen THAT soon (I don't know why I'm refusing this thought) but I feel like he was preparing me to have to do these little things without him. And it's hard. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- I remember when I first moved into Jon's. We were both still working at the store. My first day there I remember I was in Jon's dining room and he called from work. I told him that I had moved the rest of my stuff and was tired. He said "what are you doing for dinner, I'm thinking of Papa Murphy's" I agreed and then he said "Okay, I'll be home in a bit…wow…that sounds weird". It did sound weird. But I knew it would work out. Not long after, less than a month, Jon was threatening to quit left and right. But I remember the day I was at home doing laundry, and Jon pulled up, walked into the basement holding his keys high in the air, and then tossed them on the table by the dryer and said - "I quit". It was noon. I knew he really did it. I was shocked, I was sad actually too because he was so fun to work with. But I was proud of him for doing it. He needed out of there. I know I've said it before, but he really knew how to read people. I want children. I've always kind of had a fear that maybe I wouldn't be able to have them. No supporting facts for that, but just…a gut feeling I have. So a couple years ago I had a doctor's appointment and I got results in the mail about how I needed to get a biopsy done because they had found potentially precancerous cells. I was really upset and scared and Jon told me it would be okay. That didn't help much. But later on I was curled up with him, and his back was toward me. While he wasn't looking at me he talked me through it and told me best case scenario and worse case scenario, being that if the worst case happened, what the procedure would be. That outcome would mean not having kids. I didn't say a word, though any of it. But he felt it. He said 'Sabrina (in that 'calm down and listen to me' voice) you got real nervous there. Speak up" I remember that just because he didn't see me, he didn't hear me, he felt me. He really was my soul mate. I haven't been to Jon's house now in….I don't even know how long. 3 or 4 weeks probably. It got to be too much. I couldn't go there anymore…not for a while…not unless needed. He's been gone for 7 weeks. 7 weeks. The last time I was there, I grabbled the sheets for his bed out of the closet. These sheets he used a lot, they weren't just crammed into the closet forever. When I got them home, a pillowcase fell out of the stack of sheets. The pillowcase said 'I LOVE YOU" on it. That was a weird moment. It was weird because I figure it must have been from when he was married, and that struck a nerve a little….but I kept questioning "why is it here?" Why would something I never saw out, be in the stack of bedding that I took…of regular everyday bedding? It was a strange sense of comfort.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I've had a lot of dreams with Jon in them since this happened. Some of them, I think he did come to me in…others…are my mind I think just playing tricks. One of them I had about week or two after. I was at Jon's house with Eric and someone else (knew they were there but couldn't see the person). We were going to clean out his house. Eric and the other person left the room and I began talking to Jon (in spirit). He said hello to me just like he would. "Hey what's goin on?" and though I couldn't see him, I said "Jon I need to talk to you. Do you know what happened to you?" Basically I was asking if he knew he had died. He said "yep, and I'm pretty pissed off about it. I was supposed to spend the day with my parents." I told Eric about this dream and he said that was Jon talking to me. It upset me at first because of what he said in the dream. But was later comforted that he did speak to me. Yeah he was pissed about it…but he was with me to tell me about it. Very few people know the exact moment it will happen. In the last week I've had 3 dreams with him. The first one was after Eric had told me about the radiator/furnace problems that happened at Jon's while it was so cold last week. I'd been asking Jon to come to me in a dream and let me know that he's okay and that he's around. And I had said "I want you to tell me your okay but I want it to be true – don't just say it – I need to know". So then I had a dream with him in it – the first one where I could actually see him. I dreamed that I think his mother had just died…but everyone around me felt bad for me. ?? So I went to his house and just wanted to be with him, we didn't have to talk or anything – I just knew he was…crushed by this. And a bunch of people kept coming over (there was a big parking lot). Rhonda showed up and Jon said he didn't want anyone there. He said "No – not tonight" So I went outside and sent everyone away. Eric showed up but just as quickly he disappeared. I came back upstairs and crawled in bed with Jon…and he was wearing pajamas (weird side note) and we didn't say anything we just laid there. Then all of the sudden we heard footsteps in the house and we looked at each other like "what the?!" He got up with a screwdriver in hand, and I stood flat against the wall..if it was family – I didn't want them to see me in there I guess. I heard Budha get a little excited. I thought about crawling under the bed so if it was an intruder I could call 911 from there. When I went to the other side of the bed there was a huge stain on the carpet…like he had rolled over and thrown up – maybe when he found out about his mom? I felt pain for him when I saw that. Then I went out in the hall and he was standing in the bathroom with a couple neighbors. They noticed from outside the house (somehow) that Jon was having water problems. I remember saying "Can't we just shut the water off" and he just said "no" and let a huge sigh…..never the way Jon would act/sound. And then he left…middle of the night…to go to the hardware store to get this fixed. When he left I put the flowers that Deena had given me (in real life) in his bathroom. I woke up upset at first because I finally got to SEE him – but he wasn't happy, he was hurting. But then I thought,…his mother dying…water problems in the house in the dead of winter…he doesn't have to go through this. He won't ever have to feel the pain of losing his mother, he doesn't have to have the stress of the radiators bursting…maybe that was his way of showing me that…he's better than life now. ?? There was another clip in the dream – where all it was – was me seeing him lying in his bed (only it wasn't his comforter…any of his comforters) – he was lying on top of all the blankets/freshly made bed – watching TV. No expression….just there….and in the middle of the bed, not his side. ???? I went to work and wrote to my friend Jamie, who has helped me get through every single work day. She is big on analyzing dreams (as was Jon). I wrote her this exact dream and her response was as follows: "Hmm. Very interesting. I like the perspective you have taken on it, it's actually one I might not have seen myself. Nonetheless, a good one because its absolutely true. I might have said he was telling you he was there for you in a way that it kind of put him in the situation you are going through right now, ya know? His mom dying, the water, Eric showing up. I do believe it is him coming to you, for sure. The part where he was just lying in his bed, you have that bed now and maybe he is telling you he is with you. Maybe he is saying that he knows it's hard for you, but he is with you…and you are the only one he wanted with him in the dream, he sent everyone else away. I would take that for something too. There will be more, and I want to know about all of them if you feel like sharing. How are you doing now today? Okay? Or did this kind of throw you for a loop?" I like the perspective she took on this as well. Maybe he was just saying "I understand how you feel, and that does make me happy that I was with him in that dream. The dreams are getting more…strange…I guess now. A couple nights after that I had a dream that Jamie and Julia took me to a hockey game, and I went wearing Jon's pajamas. So there we were, Jamie, me, then Julia, then 2 empty seats. All of the sudden Jon walks in (in the same pajama shirt as I'm wearing) and he was there – alive. I was so excited and I was like "look – look it's Jon" And Jamie were like "Yeah there he is!" And Julia was like "good I'm glad he's here" And they were looking exactly where I was looking – and he was him – he was laughing, and talking, and walking just like he did. I looked at my pajamas, his pajamas and some random person with a matching shirt and I said "Jamie, look what Jon's wearing" and she said "yeah?" And I said "we match" and she wasn't really looking in the right spot. And after like 2 minutes I just got confused – like 'how can he be here – I was at his funeral – what's happening' And I looked back at her and she looked like…sorry for me. So then it started to hit me. I looked at Julia, who was sitting RIGHT NEXT to Jon, and I go "Julia, do you see where Jon went?" and she did the "ummm…I think he's over there somewhere" – and I said "you guys don't see him do you?" and both said "no" and I looked again and he was gone. I was even talking to him – he was sitting there in person…and they just pretended to believe he was there, even though I guess I was just…losing it. And I remember someone yelling at me in the stands – maybe cause I was talking to no one. And I was so upset that they let me believe something that wasn't real. I don't know – I don't know if it was a "fighting faith" dream or what. But it sucked. I like when I can at least see him – I don't know. Last night I had another one….it was a 2 parter…the first half with Jon, the second half without…but it was the same concept. I dreamed that Jon had passed away, but about this far….and just when I had finished the beginning stages of the grief, I had found out that he had somehow come back to life. I ignored it. I knew he was at his house, but I refused to believe it, I refused to bring him back into my life because I knew I could never go through losing him again (which is truly how I think every day), One day I finally thought "I can do this…I want him back in my life, and I'm ready for the way things used to me". I called his number...and it was disconnected. He wasn't there…he had never come back to life…and yet in that moment I felt like I lost him again. I was angry with myself. The second part of the dream was completely off the wall… I was at an old woman's house, and there was a party, and her husband got shot and was killed. Sitting right there in his chair he was killed. It didn't phase her. I came back to the house hours later and he was still there. She was in the kitchen making something. I looked at him and all of the sudden he started breathing again. I ran into the kitchen and said "he's breathing! I think he's going to be okay!" She said "oh, well that's good" and just then he walked into the kitchen and said "goodnight dear" to his wife and she said it back. ?? Sometimes I feel like I'm not getting any better…but then I think back to the beginning and I have come a very long way. The first few weeks I screamed in my car a lot, my face stung from how much I cried, I couldn't eat. Now it's just pangs. What bothers me is that even though I'm not in the denial stage anymore…I still get in disbelief sometimes where all I can really think is "what the fuck?" Like I'll have a "good" day, and I'll feel okay with everything. I'll feel strong that I can do this and that I "made it through it"….and then I think "but…it's not over…cause he's not back…this really happened". It's such an awful feeling. You really get to learn where clichés come from when you go through this. It really does come at you in waves. When Jon lost his grandmother, I was there for him/with him. And it was tough for him for a couple weeks. I didn't realize that it must have been tough for longer than that. I feel bad for not encouraging him to talk to me more about it once the initial grieving period was over. I just didn't know. I didn't know how bad it really is. Once I had a dream…this was when Jon and I were in a phase where we both had to be right about everything. I dreamed that it was January 5th and he said "my grandmother has been gone for a year" and in the dream I thought "no…that's on the 8th"…but I knew it wasn't something to argue about. And so I kept my mouth shut. That sticks in my head a lot. I've heard that a part of you changes when you lose someone like this…and it's true. I'm not who I was…there are parts that are the same, but I'm still missing. That scares me because I liked who I was…and I still like who I am, but there's a definite change and I don't know how to repair that. In hindsight I see that with Jon a little. He was still Jon, but he didn't have all the energy he did before he lost his grandmother…maybe because she was always the start to his day. That morning phone call and trip up to her house. I get it now. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm sick. I'm sick, so I've been at home all weekend…doing pretty much nothing. I never though I could miss someone so much. Something are getting easier, some seem to be getting harder…and some just get weird. Tonight I was making some hot cider and I was just thinking random thoughts and I pictured Jon in my mind saying "that is exactly what I've been saying" - I don't remember what I had been thinking about…it was just one of those 'if I could talk to him, this is what he'd say' moments. And then I had the "wow…this really happened' moment. It happens because there was no closure, no warning. I never saw him…"ready to leave us". And I like that because all my memories of him are good…but then every now and then, one of these memories pop into my head and then I think "wow…he's really gone". The man I spent so much time with, who's presence I took for granted… About 3 weeks after it happened, I was sitting on the couch, alone and was having a very rough night. I was flipping through channels choking on my own tears, and I stumbled upon one of the public access channels that 99% of the time plays Pink Floyd while showing graphics from Windows Media Player. This time it was playing the "Eternal Om". Jon is the only one I've ever known to know who they are. He introduced me to the CD. He told me it was the best way to meditate and to listen to it whenever I needed to relax. NEVER heard it anywhere…and then…during one of my hardest spells, there it was. I like when that happens. When Jon would lay in bed, and a song would come on (even a commercial jingle) he'd do what I called the "bed dance" where even though he'd be laying down, he'd move his legs around to the music. He was such a dork. I loved it.

Jon loved Bacardi Diet Cokes. Whenever I'd go to his house, whether he was there or not, I'd grab a diet coke. But a lot of time he had 2 liters. One of the last times I was there, Jon was out somewhere with Eric. I opened up his two liter and took a drink…and he put Bacardi in it. I hate Bacardi diets. I was so grossed out but I laughed because he finally learned after 5 years how to get me to stop taking his diet coke. When Eric and I cleaned out his fridge, I took his Diet Coke. A couple weeks later, I opened it up and it spilled on me like it was really full. Then I realized…it didn't even fizz. Then I smelled it. He had done it again. Sometimes I think we spent a lot of time trying to outwit each other. It was half the fun. He got me. He really did. A few weeks ago I was at Big Apple Bagels (which he also introduced me to) and I was standing next to the fountain machine, which is also right next to the garbage can. A woman walked past me muttering about cold coffee, walked right by the fountain machine with a drain…and dumped it into the garbage can. I smiled knowing that Jon was laughing at her ignorance with me. One time at the store a woman threw a lit cigarette into the garbage outside. Jon said "Ma'am - did you just throw a lit cigarette into the garbage?" She said "yes I did" and he asked "why?" She says "because this is a gas station, it would be pretty stupid to throw it on the ground don't you think?" That was the first time I heard Jon say with a thumbs up "Personality Plus!" with a big smile on his face. I have a black sweater that Jon just loved. It's getting worn out enough to the point that I know I need to let it go, but I love it…and I always remember that he did too. It's just a nice black classy sweater with a big collar. So tomorrow is Jon's birthday. I finally got a hold of Whammy today and we're going to go to RT Quinlan's tomorrow when Whammy is done with work and have a drink or 2 for Jon. It's still so unreal sometimes. It's been so long - 48 days to be exact…and I'm not counting, just when I stop and think how long it's really been…then I notice. It's going to be an interesting day. Last year Jon got back on his birthday and I made him a roast that was just nicely ready by the time he pulled up in his little red truck. He was so happy to have a nice home cooked meal. So tomorrow I am making a roast and a cheesecake for him…for me. My coworker brought over booze tonight and had a few drinks with me. She made this wonderful blue raspberry martini that Jon would have just loved. He loved that Blue Raspberry. Only 38 year old I know who craved blue raspberry popsicles. He'd be 39 tomorrow. It's just so young. I'm excited to see Whammy tomorrow. I'm a little worried that I'm going to lose it because it will be the first time I've seen Whammy since the service, plus he'll be without Jon…and so will RT Quinlans. Sometimes I worry that I'm going to start forgetting things and that's a big part of the reason that I'm continuing to write this is so I don't forget. But the memories keep coming. Like the blue raspberry. I hadn't thought of that until tonight. I wish I could get inside a dog's psychi…how do you spell that? Anyway - I wonder a lot what Budha is thinking about. I know that a lot of times I'd be at Jon's house…and I'd force her to give all her attention to me. When I wouldn't and she just laid there I'd say "what's wrong baby?" and sometimes Jon would say "she's just laying there" or "she's just sitting". I try to keep that in mind that it doesn't always mean she's sad, maybe she's just relaxing. I love her. SO much. Always have. Always will. I'm hoping my ring is ready tomorrow. I went to a jeweler and had a ring put together to have with me every day as a - reminder -and just as "him" with me. It's white gold with an emerald cut amethyst (his birthstone) in the center, and a diamond on each side representing "my soul" and "my strength". The two things that Jon gave to me that I still have, that I still am. On Valentine's day they had the setting in, so I went and confirmed that I still wanted it and they said they expected it to be in within one week. If it comes in tomorrow - what a sign it would be. A gift on his birthday. God, I miss him. I never thought I could feel this way. And it is getting a little easier not so much day by day, more like week by week. I just hope every day that he knows exactly how much I cared for him, how much I did love him, how much I appreciated him, how much he helped me become me, and how big of a part of me he truly was and always will be. It took me a long time to figure out what to engrave on the ring because everything was just too long….not much room to engrave on a ring these days. I wanted to put "you gave your butterfly wings" - but that won't fit. Then I wanted "meine seele, meine stärke" which is "my soul, my strength" in German. But then at the last minute knowing none of it would fit, I decided to go with "my every day". That's really what I know. The night I found out, I kept saying 'he was my every day" - and he still is, and knowing that he is a part of me holds that true. I think of him a lot when I do something I know that he'd be proud of or that he'd disapprove of. He's there. I've always had a cast iron bladder. No seriously - ask anyone - I can go hours and hours without having to go to the bathroom. I've always been this way. I'll say "I have to pee" and then 3 hours later I still haven't gone because I forget about it. Jon used to say "do you have any idea how bad that is for you?" - of course I knew but I couldn't help it - I would just forget as soon as I thought of something else. In the last year or so, anytime I was at his house and I'd say "I have to pee" - even if I forgot I said it, he'd turn off the TV, and completely ignore me until I went to the bathroom. Just a funny thing I guess. His favorite Pink Floyd song was "Welcome to the Machine". He introduced me to Roger Waters' Radio Chaos. Last fall my best friend Julia and I went to see Roger Waters in concert in Chicago. It was so incredible. When I returned, I showed Jon pictures and he asked tons of questions about it, and he said "Sabrina, you should feel so proud that you got to see basically Pink Floyd, even if it was just Waters, live…while many people never will again. It was. It was wonderful. Jon and I wanted to see Evanescense together really bad, but it sold out pretty quick. One concert that I would have loved to see with him would have been Sarah McLachlan. We did see Seether and Chevelle together. Those were good.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Well – it will be two months tomorrow. Unbelievable. I feel pretty good today. I feel good because I know that if Jon can see me, he's smiling. He made my decisions for me. No, because of him – I made these decisions. Yesterday we had a huge blizzard. We knew it was coming all week. A few years ago, I would have traveled to work in it, and Jon would have probably yelled at me until I cried. On Wednesday night I decided that I would go to work on Thursday but had my coworker, Todd pick me up. He has 4WD so it worked out. Todd picked me up and I have to say that the first few hours of the day were really tough for me because I knew what the day would be like if he were there. If he was there, he'd call me to see if I was at work, he'd ask how I got there, and he'd tell me that I should go home early. Then I'd probably go to his house and we'd watch the weather and he'd talk about how much he loved the snow, however he'd have muscle spasms in his back from shoveling – and I'd rub the pain out of his back. Then we'd watch people get stuck and fall down outside and we'd laugh. Then I kept picturing his house empty – and it hurt. It hurt for a while. When we left work, it was pure white out conditions and I was happy that Todd was driving in his truck…I don't think my car could have made it. We went to pick up his girlfriend and as we were waiting for her, we watched a guy slip and fall down in the street. It was such a great fall, and yeah I'm a horrible person, but I laughed harder than I've laughed in months. Todd laughed too. It was just a nice moment to have – as weird as it sounds. Today I woke up and I was comfortable. The bed was just – perfect. But then a german shepherd was outside the window teasing Budha and Budha of course had to SCREAM about it until I got up. I got up and shoveled the entire deck (work was closed today), I took pictures, I helped my roommate get his car pushed out of the snow, and then you know what I did? I made one of Jon's favorites. Italian Sausage and Peppers. I never really paid attention to how he did it, but it was always so good – and he loved it. I threw some red wine in there in hopes to create something good – and it was wonderful. And all I kept thinking was…this is because of Jon. I hope he could see me and I hope he was proud of me for it. Not just for making the sausage and peppers, not just for adding my own stuff to it, but for how I carried through my day. The other night was a rough one. I missed him so much, and I went to bed crying. I reached over and grabbed his T-shirt and it smelled so much like him. A while ago I thought it had lost its scent, but maybe it was because I was smelling it every day. I felt completely at east when I grabbed that shirt. I fell asleep smiling as if he was right there with me. On his birthday I made his favorite – just like I would have had he been here (or when he would have returned from Cancun). I made a pot-roast with veggies and potatoes, and a salad, and a cherry cheesecake – my mom's recipe that I always made for him. I met Whammy at Quinlan's and we had a couple beers and went over memories and afterthoughts, and had a toast for Jon. It was really nice to see him. We agreed that if we needed something we could call the other, and he'll stop by sometimes before races and visit, and see the Budha. That will be nice. When I got home all the food was ready, and I just enjoyed his birthday. I have my ring now. It's weird the things we do to keep that person with us. The ring is beautiful. Sometimes when I look at it I think "it's a ring, it didn't bring him back". But then I force myself to be real, as much as it hurts to say "no he's not coming back, but he's with me".