Trying to make sense of it all

May 14, 2007
Trying to Make Sense of it all
Current mood:contemplative

I've been pretty productive this evening and decided to top it off with a bubble bath and a glass of wine and some candles. The last time I had that was a night that Jon set it all up for me after a tough day. The only thing missing was a cigarette. And Jon.

I started thinking about the way my life was before I met him, how it changed when we became friends, how it was a few months ago, and how it is now.

I was a free spirited hippie type when I met Jon. I was living with Julia. I remember the first night I came home after working with Jon and I was telling her how much fun we had and how I thought I was going to be really happy there. She gave me the "uh oh" and asked if this was going to turn into something. All I knew at the time was that he was my favorite coworker. I used to go up there an hour early just to shoot the shit with him and Grace. It was like a happy little disfunctional family up there.

When Julia moved, I really thought the best thing for myself would be to live by myself. I looked at the paychecks, and I looked at the apartments...and they didn't equal. I talked to Jon about it...and became stronger. I became stronger in everything that I wanted. Whether it be disrespectful customers that I learned how to deal with in our "give it back" style, or taking charge to learn the most and get ahead, to going up to the head "bitches" to tell them exactly what I thought and why.

Jon left that place in December 2003. I took over. I ran the show. I was proud of myself. The owners didn't care though. What they saw was a manager without the salary. When it came down to quitting time (permanently) I told them exactly why they don't deserve someone as hardworking when they didn't respect any of their employees. I proved to them all the good things I did, and I fought my way through my resignation to get every benefit I deserved. Had I not met Jon, I probably would have quit and cried about it. Not without a fight.

Living with Jon worked out perfect for the both of us. He just quit at the hellhole, so a little extra cash for the mortgage didn't hurt. I just quit at the hellhole so I could only afford a little.

It was great. I was living with one of my best friends, we laughed a lot, we had a lot of great conversations, it was so relaxed that I actually got too comfortable.

In August of 2004 I moved...a whopping 3 blocks away. It was good though. When I was ready to move out into my OWN place, Jon helped me look for apartments. When I found the perfect one, I told him that it was beautiful but that it was over my price limit. He said "then you can't have it". 10 minutes later I gave my deposit. He did it on purpose. He knew I never took that 'you can't do it" answer lightly.

I lived there for a year. It was wonderful. I was completely free to do what i wanted - where I wanted - with whomever I wanted. No roommates that either made me feel like I had to hang out with, or that I felt I was obligated to hang out with, no courtesy rules of keeping the TV down while another is sleeping, company when i wanted, alone time when i wanted. I still saw Jon every day. But I was rejuvinated. I had my own space to think, to discover, and to escape.

I moved again when i realized i wanted to buy a house. Needed to save. All of a sudden....a HUGE transformation happened. I broke off relationships that didn't need to exist, I found my house, I dropped about 20 pounds, I was into sports, school was reaching an end,...everything was fabulous. The only thing that I am bothered about...STILL is that I was stressing over work for the last 2 months of Jon's life. I hate that I wasted that time with him with complaints. Yes he was very good about it, but there's so much more we coud have been doing then discussing the problems with what he called "just a job". I understand that meaning now, and will pass it on to others always.

God I was happy. From about last February to through the end of the year - I was on top of the world. Jon pushed me in school. I'm finished. He pushed me to save money, I did. He pushed me to buy a house, I did. He pushed me to think of ME...and I didn't realize how right he was. When I finally started putting myself in front....I was just so happy.

The day it happened, it was really like my whole world stopped. I didn't know anything. School, house, friends, work, happy, who gives a shit. None of it mattered.

I'm pulling it all together now. I'm at my best at work, I'm redoing parts of my house making it my own, and I'm slowly gettin back into the outside world. Sometimes I really feel like he was put here for me. Every story has a climax, and from that it needs to come back down. Maybe in my life, it just needed to come down crashing hard...in order for me to open my eyes and see all the great things I had. I knew I had them. I knew Jon had a hand in them...but I never know how much, until I couldn't see his face.

I guess what I am doing is questioning fate. I believe in fate. I believe if you make yourself too vulnerable toward a person, that sometimes they are ripped away from you...to make you learn...to make you live...to make you stronger. For a moment that thought comforts me, and then for 10 moments, it makes me angry with myself for it being my fault. Silly - very...but I need a reason. Every consequence in my life has had a reward, even if they're harsh. And I just can't make myself see a reward here. He gave all he could give, and then he was gone...so now what?

He must have taught me to live in the moment. I used to bitch and bitch and bitch about the present and STRIVE for the future. NOW...I am satisfied with my daily activities...and the future is completely unknown to me. It's unknown because he's not here. It's like I've come to terms with the fact that I won't see him this week or next week...and just when i think I've made it through. I realize there is no "through". He's not gone this week and next...it's for the rest of our lives. So....I don't know how to look ahead because I don't know what's there. I don't know who's there. But I know when I found myself. I know who was there then. I know who I need with me every day of my life...at least in my heart. Corny? Too bad - this is my blog. I'm not dwelling - I'm trying to reason why he was taken. And just when I think "this is why he was taken from me" - it doesn't make any sense why he was taken from his beautiful family. So fuck it. There are no answers. My hindsight is my solace. My life is brighter because he was in it.

It may not ever make full sense to me. But I know he'd be disappointed if I was sad all the time. Sometimes I just have to be. But I know that I have to move on or nothing will ever get better. And I am.

Well now it's late and I have a lot of wine, and I'm tired and I don't know how to end this blog. I guess maybe I'll end it this way? Do you believe that everything happens for a reason? I've seen the world work in very mysterious ways. I think everything has a reason. But is the reason worth the risk? How can any gain...be stronger that this loss? I see all the good that he brought to this world....and then I sit and wonder...why did it have to end? Why like this? Would I never have opened my eyes to see what I had, had this not happened? Are some questions better left unanswered?

There it's ended. I do have a request though. If anyone has every had any afterdeath communication, wheather it be a "ghost" or a sign or anything - email me the story. I'm interested to hear peoples thoughts on this subject. Please let me turn a deaf ear to the non believers. I always have been one. My religous beliefs havne't changed...but my spirituality is morphing. Any confirmations would be appreciated.