"My Nature Just Changes" - Jimi Hendrix

Apr 13, 2008
"My nature just changes" - Jimi Hendrix
Current mood:pissed off

Warning...this blog is going to contain a lot of negativity.

I am unhappy with everything! But...I'm not unhappy. Does that make sense? I feel okay, but I'm very disappointed with a lot of things in my life right now. I know this to be true, as ALL of my fingernails are broken off ass of today - chipped them all away.

First - I am in a phase that I need to snap the hell out of. I don't think I'm going to even call this an identity crisis anymore...it's just - I was on this whole "finding myself" journey after all this shit last year...and now I'm finding myself in situations that are soooo out of my element and beyond my senses. I've been closing the bar down at least 2 nights a week for the last THREE months!! Now...that wouldn't be that big of a deal...but I need to get my freaking priorities straight! It's not affecting my work or anything like that - but I need to save the money for things that are "important" like replacing a broken window, finishing the base moulding in the house, get my freaking credit cards down...AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not only this, but I can't even trust myself anymore! Pisses me off! I say I'm not going to go out...but then I do. I say I'm only going to spend X amount...and that turns into a lie. I say I'm not going to talk to so and so, until shit blows over...and that's a lie (although it turned out fine, it was still against my good judgement!). AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! These are literal screams. But...you know - I'm so pissed with myself now that it has to change. I don't need to go out all the time. I really don't - it's stupid.

Second - my hair. I don't know what my deal is. Yesterday...I was bored...so I said "I'm gonna make a hair appt and cut off all my hair" - First of all...oh it's not even important. So I go and I chop it all off so it's as short as it was a couple years ago (in some pictures). I like it - I knew I would and it looks good....but then I got sad because I felt like it made me look too "grown up" again. What is my deal? What is it?!?!? Why do I feel the need to be this young hippy party punk again? Seriously? WHY?!!? So then I thought...well maybe I'll throw a couple short red extentions on the underneath side of my hair...but that's for another day. It really does feel like a midlife crisis at 26....which makes no sense. Don't get me wrong, I really like the new cut....but again, it's like I'm tired of the --I don't know - I'm tired of something. I feel like I'm always looking for excitement! I'm looking for something anyway...but I think I just need to settle the hell down. And I'm going to.

NOW...the third thing....this roommate of mine. Not Tom, he's great...the other one. I've just had it. The worst part is - is that the last few days we actually have been getting along...but I think it's because she's sucking up. I don't even know where to begin...so I'm going to bitch A LOT here. She just got fired (in the last few weeks) from her SECOND job that she has had since moving to Duluth (in September only!!!) So of course I'm stressing a little about 'is she going to be able to pay May rent?' (all the more reason I need to settle the hell down). Sooo....here's the annoying shit that I just can't stand...and I normally don't do things like this but I'm just going to lose it soon and...well...writing will help my head to not explode. She's like a 14 year old little brat. She makes me feel like I have a god damn kid!!!! She always puts her glass (even my wine glasses) DIRECTLY on the friggin' couch. So I said "That's making me really nervous" so she shoots me a look, and puts it on the coffee table. I go upstairs and when I come back down, here glass is on a coaster...on the friggin' couch!!! WHO DOES THAT?!!?!? She (AT THIS VERY MOMENT) just asked me for the 6th time today if I want to try her salad dressing and when I say no she flippin' whines "why don't you want to try it?" I JUST DON'T!!!!!!!! She always has her shoes on the couch - on my couch. She has NEVER taken out the garbage - but has no problem throwing garbage on the floor NEXT to the garbage when it's full. Her cat is a bitch. She knocks peoples shit out of the shower and then just leaves it on the floor...oh that reminds me she have 4 empty shampoo/conditioner bottles ON THE BATHROOM FLOOR!!!!! WHO DOES THIS SHIT?!!?!?!? The showerhead is always on the floor of the shower after she uses it. She leaves all the lights on. She has messed with my thermostadt numerous times - one time I came home late at night and I felt cold...so I checked and she had the heat completely OFF!!!!! Today...I took Budha for a walk and when I was on my way back, she was walking. So I met her on the street and she said she was on her way to Kmart to find something "fun to do". So I get to the house, where she had left both the front and the back door unlocked. I had my keys. I also had my phone so she could have called - but no...instead...she just leaves the house with everything wide open. I bust my ass for the next few hours trying to clean up. She comes home (during this time) which this box...that is decorated like those fuzzy posters...and a pack of markers. In the box are stickers and glitter. She sits there and colors this thing...and uses the glitter (ON THE COUCH!) while I'm trying to clean up the house, and taking out all the freaking garbage and she just sad there like a freaking kid. My head is hurting. There is so much more I can say, but I will end with this...YESTERDAY, I decided to go onto roommates.com just to see what kind of people are looking. Who do I see? My roommate. At first I didn't think much of it, until I saw that it said she has been active within a few days, THEN I see her "anticipated move in date" is 3/30/08. Obviously she hasn't found a place yet....but was she ever going to tell me?!!? And it's kind of a blessing in disguise, but it's rather uncomfortable now because she's been "extra nice" - and still not doing a damn thing around here so it doesn't matter. SOOOO....today I put an ad up, looking for a roommate for 7/1. Granted that's a way in the future, but I had to make it for the future so I could have time to really think about how to go about this. Obviously today was not the day to give her the boot considering my current "state". If she's looking - I have to look myself to cover my own ass, right? Soo...by May 1 I think I'm going to have to tell her she's out by 7/1 if not before.

I don't really expect anyone to have read this because....it's a lot of bitching - and I normally don't do this...but I have been freaking out today....I even had to take an hour drive by myself just to "reflect". Alright - this blog is ending now. Wish my luck getting my shit together...in my head and in my home.