Jon IV

Mar 16, 2007
IV

I have to write about this. Only 3 people ever knew about this. My 3 J's. Last summer I was really worried that I was pregnant. I didn't tell him about it until I was absolutely sure of the answer because I didn't want to stress him out. I remember after being late a few days I thought "hmm….weird" then 6 day, then 7 days….then 8….by day 10 I was down in Austin for a friend's wedding. I went to breakfast the next morning with another friend of mine (who I hadn't seen since she was 3 months pregnant) with her then, 2 year old little girl. Sitting in that restaurant watching my friend with this child that she had to try to make sit patiently while we talked…threw me into absolute panic mode. I wasn't ready for that. I cried all the way to St Paul and talked to Julia. There was no way I was ready to have a child…age wise…yes…but lifestyle….I'm not even talking about going to the bar or anything insignificant like that – I'm talking about my job. I want kids more than anything – but I like working! All these thoughts ran through my head – what will Jon say? What will his parents say? There's no way I could have it. Would he be mad if I chose not to have it? How could I break this to my family, or to his family when we weren't ever technically "exclusive" anyway? 12 days and I finally took the test and it was negative. I think I may have even RAN to Jon's house – don't exactly remember. I walked in, made him put down his game and said "Stand up – stand up right now" – I always made him stand up to give me those amazing hugs. So of course he said "not this again" and I said "I'm serious I need it" He gave me a hug and I gave him a big kiss to which he said "what's this all about?" I said "Let me just say before you freak out, that I'm not. I'm not, okay? But for the last couple weeks I was really worried that I was pregnant…and I'm not". He had no idea. He stared at me with the most blank look for what seemed like 5 minutes but was probably 5 seconds – I think waiting for me to say "just kidding". Then he said "really?" Then it was quiet until he said "wow" followed by "wow" again. I said "I'm sorry I didn't tell you, but why would I say anything until I was sure – then we both would have been in knots" He responded with a nervous laugh and "wow". Then he said "You hid that extremely well". Jon read me like a book. And how did I hide it? I stayed away. I visited only briefly, and when he did ask if something was bothering me, I blamed it on work or family – or simple daily drama – being tired, whatever. He absolutely amazed me with this. I never even though it was an option to have the baby if there was one. That thought never really crossed my mind because…how could we? He said "let's get you a glass of wine" in a 'Damn, girl – you need a drink' kind of tone. We walked into the kitchen and as he poured me a glass he looked at me said "we would have made it work". I looked at him just dumbfounded and said "I wouldn't have wanted to make it work". He looked a little confused and said "what – you would have given it up for adoption?" I looked at him and just said "no". I felt so sad for just a moment like I had hurt him or something, and then he handed me the glass and said "then I would have paid for it…whatever you want. And if you did want, we'd be good parents. We'd make it work". Granted…this was after we already knew it was a false alarm so who knows how he would have reacted if it had been real. But still…the fact that he started with "we would have made it work" – as a FIRST thought…blew me away.
I remember going to my friend, Brandi's that night for a barbeque and the only person there who knew was Jamie. I smiled my ass off drinking that Rolling Rock. And it had nothing to do with "living up my twenties" – just knowing…that things didn't have to change quite yet, and that I had the best friends in the world. The one that could keep a secret. The one that said they'd come all the way up here if I needed anything, and the one that mattered the most in the situation, --I can't even put it into words. No one will ever understand why we were so close. Sometimes we fought so much you'd really think that we hated each other…but we cared so much. Even now I'm speechless as to how much that meant to me. He was wonderful. All the time he was wonderful, but that was a moment that I was truly grateful for everything he was. I think about that a lot now, because if I had been pregnant….there would be a child now. It's been 9 months since then. I thought about it when he first passed away. I thought – and I know it sounds irrational and it is. But I thought – 'I'm so glad I wasn't pregnant – this would be too hard'. And that turned into 'I wish I had been pregnant' for the sake of – carrying on his genes, having him live on through a son or daughter, for me, for his parents, for everyone. Having a child to grow up and compare pictures to his dad's childhood pictures, and watching him grow up and laugh like him, or walk with those same quiet footsteps. I know that it's illogical. And I know it's a good thing – it's a great thing, that I wasn't. But the thought lingers sometimes about how it would have been if fate had turned that way. Just a thought. I'm smarter than that, but it's just a lingering thought. The mind does some of the weirdest things to keep that person with you. Whether it be, a pair of his boots, or making a piece of jewelry, or creating families in your head. It doesn't really change anything….but what's ironic…is that of all these wonderful things that DON'T change the situation…the things I cherish the most are the memories in my heart...which don't change. I don't want those to change.