Finding your way back when the path has grown over

Jun 19, 2007
Finding your way back when the path has grown over.
Current mood:confused

This has been a really long journey - and to think - will it go on for a lifetime? We're fast approaching 6 months. I can't believe that. I'm writing because it's the best therapy and I've hit kind of a bumpy patch. I know where I want to be but I have no idea how to get back there. I remember every detail of the day he died. Before I found out - I remember my outfit, the sound of my shoes, my conversations, my soul (just the WAY I felt), my laugh, my petty whining over spilling my salad dressing....I think back to that day and I think "That was me".

Now I'm not sulking, I'm not wallowing in my own self pity every day - although there are times when I absolutely can't keep it together...for the most part - I'm working through it. But I'm not that person anymore. I miss her! I miss me! I'm still happy, I still laugh, I still work, but I'm not...- feeling anything.

I'm really not sure what to do with myself. Even this picture on my profile - I look good in it. I look Happy. I was. It wasn't a happy "moment" - it was just happy. I literally look in the bathroom mirror and I smile at myself every day - sometimes I even try to make myself laugh - just to get it back but I don't look the same.

Friday I had a rough day and I called my BFF. I confided in her that I just don't do anything anymore. I used to go to work, go to the gym, go to Jon's, come home, watch TV, do homework, go to bed. Now - my gym membership has expired so I go to work (where I am at my best), I come home, walk Budha, get home, and I sit. I sit and watch 2 episodes of The King of Queens, and then I watch the clock waiting for the day to end. Literally. When I look at the clock and it's only 7 I just think "come on already". That's not how I want to live. When I told her this, she said that's how she used to be too, when she went through a tragic loss. She said she was like that until she had her baby. I feel comforted in the fact that - she has come SO far, but...then I think...I'm not having a baby - what change in my life....can change this?

I don't really know what I'm doing....but I think I'm partially okay with that. I hate the way I look. I hate feeling alone. I know I'm not alone alone, but my every day companion is gone. So instead I just sit here. The reason I am becoming partially okay with it - is because I am REALIZING that I'm NOT okay with it.

I'm trying to do the dating thing - but I'm very emotional about it. I start to get interested and I think "this is it - this is why everything happened - this is how my life will change for the better, this is my twist of fate" and then the next day I think " I can't do this. There's no way I can ever date. How could anyone understand what Jon was to me without having known who I was then?"

The same thing happens with how much weight I've gained. One day I think "I need to change this. I need to start getting back to my old self". Then next day I think "Who for? What's the point?"

The GOOD news in this is that I'm at least arguing with myself. I'm TRYING to break through. I still can't get over what I still refer to as the "speeding standstill". Where some areas of time (like the last time I saw Jon) seemed only a week ago. Yet...getting my new boss (which happend 5 days later) seems like a year ago. Or when we got that blizzard (2 months after) that seems like a year ago also.

Where does my title come from? I have no idea what has really happened in the last few months. I NEVER know what day it is. Sometimes I look at the calendar and I see that it's June...and I just stare at it like "what kind of joke is this?" I woke up one day last week and was sitting up in my bed just thinking. I looked to my right and saw my reflection in the mirror on my closet, and I was just disgusted. I thought "How could I have gained so much weight in just 2 months?" And then it hit me that it's been almost 6. And then it hit me that I have no idea what's been happening. I don't know if I ever saw a gradual weight gain, I don't know what I've spent money on, I don't know when my car starting acting up, everything's been a blur. I remember going ring shopping with Jamie. I remember a couple game nights. I remember my housewarming party. Other than that - I don't know what has happened during this time, it's like the flashy MIB thing got me.

So I guess what I'm getting at, mostly I had to get it all out and I do so by writing...is I want to be me again. But when I look back - I don't even know how I got to this place where I am - so I think regardless of if I move forward into being a new person, or backward into being the old me...which I know isn't even possible...I won't know...I just don't know how to get where I need to be. I'm trying. Every day I think about what I need to do, but I just don't know how to do it. Or if I'm ready to do it.