For Myself

Jul 15, 2007
For myself

This could very well be the best thing I've ever done for myself. I started LA Weight loss 10 days ago. I'm down only 3.6 lbs but I'm confident. I have to realize that I didn't put all this weight on over night and so it's not all going to leave overnight. Well - 20 pounds of it were a little ridiculous but hey... I can do this. It's a very expensive program. Expensive enough that I had to borrow from my grandma. That's two reasons that I need to do this. Mostly I am doing this for myself. I have had a lot of "times" in my life. By that I mean - the physical state I've been in. In 2000-2001 I was as free as you could imagine - without a care in the world. In 2002 I started to grow up a little, and found my self worth. In 2003 I realized it was time to pull my act together...school...finances...priorities. At the end of 2003-mid 2004 - I was at my best. This doesn't mean I was the happiest or the richest - but my life turned to SUCH good things. I was busy. I was working 2 jobs (one of them was and still is FANTASTIC!), I had lost a lost a lot of weight. I was living with Jon. I was healthy. School was going well...I was living cheap - everything was great. The following fall (2004) I moved out of Jons, I quit smoking, I quit my second job, and I put on about 20 pounds. Too many changes at once perhaps. 2005 - Time to put an end to it. Getting too heavy - moved into a place on my own, Drank A LOT, had to return to second job to maintain alcohol levels. Lost about 1/2 the put on weight. 2006 gained it back. BUT - who cares. 2006 was wonderful. Still partied a lot. Moved back into Kelly's to save for a house. Lost about 1/2 the weight again. Jon and I didn't have a single fight (worth anything). No second job. Was a social butterflly. 2007 - Jon dies, I gain not only all that back but another 20 on top, antisocial, a mess.

I need to pull my shit together and I've said it so many times that I feel I have to keep this blog private because I'm sure no one believes it anymore. That's more inspiration. If I just keep it quiet, and show everyone...that should be reward enough.

I'm very excited about it. I already have my meals ready to go to work tomorrow. I packaged up the right portions of cherries and grapes to bring to work, and a salad and have my mix ready to make egg beater omellettes in the morning. I'm trying to lose 60 pounds. I'm 6% of the way there. :)

I know I can do this and I know I'll look great. If I don't do it, I'll dissappoint myself, I'll dissappoint my grandmother, and I'm sure if he sees me, I'll be dissappointing Jon too. I'm not going to do that. One time Jon and I got in a fight, and I said the followeing words that I tried to put back as they were spilling from my mouth "you never follow through on anything you say you're going to do" - I apologized for months because I knew how that struck him. And he knew how sorry I was for saying it. Now this may sound disrespectful, but I love Jon very much and he knows how I feel/how WE feel about who gets the last word. I am not going to make him think that about me. I will follow through. And for the record again - Jon - I DID NOT mean it - I meant it in anger and nothing more, and I know you know that - but once again - I love you and I'm sorry. Stay with me. Watch me do this. Be proud of me as I am and always will be of you.