Identity Crisis

Feb 24, 2008
Identity Crisis
Current mood:confused

As I begin to write this, I wonder if I will make it public, or preferred, etc.... It's one of those things that - it's not really serious, but it kind of is. I can't make any sense of it, but I kind of can. I'm confused. Really. I actually took a few days off (last Thurs, Fri,and tomorrow [Mon]) and I still feel like it won't be enough time to sort out this head of mine.

Where even to begin. In September a guy caught my eye....but I couldn't figure out why. He's not my "type", I hadn't talked to him...or ever even heard his voice for that matter. But I found that I kept staring at him. I started telling my friends about this and we tried to figure out if maybe I knew him from somewhere or if somehow he knew Jon, or what the "catch" was. Still haven't found any reason. I was just intrigued...and now since September I've been trying to figure out why. Is it his look? Is it his laid back style? Do I know him? Did he know Jon? What is so familiar?!?!!?

I tried not to let it get to me too much. I started seeing someone in October, which was a GIANT step and I didn't think I was ready for that....but it just happened. He was really great and still is, he moved up the friendship ladder at rapid speed. But in less than 2 months we decided to stay friends rather that have a relationship. Fine.

In December, a group of us went drinking with "the mystery man" and his friends. Strange thing is that he and I have the same birthday; even more strange is that it is on Christmas day. I had fun with him and at one point I looked down at my outfit: black "slacks", black mock turtleneck, red jacket w/ big black buttons, silver chain and silver earrings....and I'm dancing with this guy to "California Love". For a moment I thought "Oh my god...who the hell am I?!"

I was very emotional over my birthday this year. It was the last of the firsts. The first birthday w/out Jon. That was the last first to go through aside from hitting the first year mark. So...from about 12/20-1/3...I was alright - but I was definitely emotional. On January 2nd we went live with or computer upgrade at work, which has taken a lot of man hours in the last year. So January pretty much tied me up with troubleshooting/etc....

Feb rolled around...(maybe even late Jan) and the "mystery man" was back in the picture. And brighter than ever. We've gone out together a couple of times now (with friends) and there is a definite attraction. I wish I could explain this better but I can't. Looking at the two of us - we couldn't look more opposite. I'm almost always dressed in a dressy/casual manner while he...he dresses well...but he wears - I don't know how to explain it. He has this scruffy goatee (which is new....and I hated it....but now...not so much), and this hair that he is going to get cut (cry) because it's getting in his eyes. He always looks like he's SOOOOO relaxed (or stoned?) and some of his friends I am not a fan of.

...I thought I'd be able to explain this better but it doesn't look like it. People are surprised when they see the person I was dating in the fall...tall, dark, handsome, well educated, financially responsible, former NASA employee, degrees all over, etc....and then there is the "mystery man", who I can't even answer any of these questions about. He's just...from what I see...and he kind of disagrees....I see him as carefree.

Anyway this "mystery man" is seeing someone, but it doesn't sound like an exclusive type thing - he says he'd like to see me more than we do now...and I'm open to that.

I keep looking at my day to day clothes and wondering how I got here. One night in a drunken conversation, he and I were very close to each other and he said "I never imagined someone like you here with someone like me". Granted, he doesn't even remember saying this...but it bothers me (yes STILL) because I DID used to be like that. Some may say that I've just grown up...but I don't think that's it. It's like I've morphed into the unknown. During my time off to "find myself" I actually put on some of my old clothes (that still were CLOSE to fitting) and I missed it....but I felt like I was too old to wear it or something. Everything is the way I wanted...I wanted a good job, I wanted recognition, I wanted a house....and I got it all - and I worked my ass off for all of it and am proud of that, but then sometimes I think "this was all too soon" - I feel like I'm older than I really am. I can't make any sense of it. Anyone reading this is going to be like "WTF is she rambling about" and the only ones who even semi-understand I think are Jamie and Julia. I'm in a whirlwind!

Let me back up just a little. It really took me until July/August before I really felt an "emotional" difference after Jon's passing. During those 2 months....something snapped and I finally started to "FEEL" again, and I started to be social again! During August/September my main focus was my BFF's wedding. When I got back from the wedding, I noticed the "mystery man" but let it go right away as I started seeing this other guy who had me head over heals in a comfort. Then that ended and I was swamped/taken over with the upgrade at work. Then that came to a calm. And now here I am...over a year later and it's like this is the first time I've had...to figure out myself. What am I doing with myself? What do I want? I? I need to just let things (all things, work, friends, relationships, etc...) just fall into place I think....but this is the first time in my life I think that I can't determine what I want...about anything! I don't know if I want kids, I don't know what I want to be doing in 5 years, I don't know if I'm always going to live here, I don't know what kinds of hobbies I like anymore, I don't know who I want to spend my time with. ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know this blog makes little to no sense to most everyone. Unless by chance you've been hearing me struggle with this the last 3 weeks or so. Something's just off. And I'm tired of it being cold. There you have it. I am full of questions with no answers. I ALWAYS have answers. I don't know what I'm doing with this "mystery man", I'm taking time off because I was borderline mental breakdown, I don't know what I want, or really who I am...my head is a giant question mark!!! But....I think it should hopefully work itself out...in the next 2 weeks. I'm giving this 2 more weeks. Well...and I am going to see Julia in 3 weeks which I think will help a lot. BFF time is always quality. So maybe I'll give it 3 weeks...or 4. Shit.